Kids & Teens
What to say when your teen ignores their chores
Your teen hasn't done their chores, and if you ask again, it will turn into a fight.
When your teen ignores their chores, do not nag or yell. Ask a question designed to get a 'No': "Have you given up on getting the car this weekend?" Tying the chore to a privilege they care about, framed as a question they want to deny, snaps them into action without a lecture.
“Have you given up on getting the car this weekend?”
Tip: The privilege you name must be real and directly tied to the chore being done. If you bluff, this tactic dies.
Why this works
Nagging tells your teenager two things: first, that you care more about the chore than they do, and second, that they can ignore the first three requests because you won't actually do anything until the fourth.
A 'Safe No' question reverses that dynamic. By asking if they have given up on something they want, you force them to defend their own interests. They get to say 'No, I haven't given up,' which makes them feel in control, while simultaneously committing themselves to doing the work to prove it.
It removes you from the role of the enforcer and makes them the manager of their own outcome. You are no longer demanding compliance; you are simply checking on their choices.
The trap
What most people say, and why it backfires
✕“I've told you three times to empty the dishwasher!”
You are training them to wait for the third warning. It makes the chore about your anger, not their responsibility.
✕“If you don't do this right now, you're grounded.”
Ultimatums invite rebellion. They will either refuse just to prove they can, or comply with maximum resentment.
When they push back
Have your next line ready
If they say: "No, I'm going to do it!"
Say: "Got it. When should I expect it to be done?" Get a commitment, then walk away.
If they say: "I don't care about the car."
Say: "Fair enough. I'll make other plans for it." And then you must actually follow through.
How to deliver it
Ask it casually, almost like you're just confirming a schedule change. If there is anger or a threat in your voice, it becomes an ultimatum. If it sounds like simple curiosity, it becomes a choice.
Before you walk in
Five things to have ready
Frequently asked questions
Is this a threat?+
No, a threat is "Do this or else." This is clarifying a choice: "It looks like you've chosen X, is that right?" It puts the power in their hands.
What if they really don't care about the privilege?+
Then you picked the wrong privilege. Find the currency they actually value—Wi-Fi access, phone data, ride money—and tie it to that.
How long should I give them to do the chore?+
Ask them for the deadline. "When should I expect it done?" Once they set the time, they own it. If they miss their own deadline, the privilege is gone.
What if they do a terrible job just to get it done?+
"Done" means done to the agreed standard. If it's half-done, ask: "Does this look finished to you?" Let them correct it.
Should I pay them for chores?+
Separate expected family contributions from extra paid work. The dishwasher is part of living here; washing the car is extra.
This line works for most of these conversations. Yours has specifics it doesn't.
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